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| Recipe
for Disaster |
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| Four
party dinners you've never considered.
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By Mitchell Polatin
Whether you are entertaining the boss
or preparing a casual dinner for friends,
it is always good to have a theme. These
creative party concepts will help you
dazzle your guests.
Boston Tea Party—You
don’t need a clock to know it’s
always teatime. Guests will especially
enjoy this party if they come dressed
in cultural attire—casual Mohawk
Indian is best. Make sure to have at least
three cups of cream, 12 boxes of Burton’s
Rich Tea Biscuits and a ton of British
tea. Your friends will appreciate the
abundance. About one hour into the party,
as the conversation shifts toward last
week’s episode of "Everwood,"
confidently stroll over to the window,
push back the curtains and toss your cup
and saucer into the yard. Ideally you
live next to a harbor, but a lawn will
do—just keep an eye out for children
playing. If your guests are polite, they
will join you. Once you have thrown all
the saucers, be prepared for the heavy
lifting—tea chests can be cumbersome.
It will take time to expel the remaining
1,999 pounds of tea. When all is said
and done, serve Sam Adams beer, chilled.
Donner Party—This
is an ideal evening to reflect on enormous
hardships and celebrate delicious friendships.
Friends, especially large ones, are a
significant part of this dinner. It is
one of the easier parties to host: While
you might invite 10 guests, you will only
need to feed five or six of them. This
meal requires complex recipes that might
seem a little like patting your head and
rubbing your stomach at the same time,
but remember: It is much easier to cook
the head and stomach separately. Make
sure you have a Dutch oven and cast-iron,
non-stick cookware. Be sure to ask guests
if they prefer legs, thighs or shoulders
(they all taste like chicken). This comfort
food is delicious at room temperature,
so you need no trips to the kitchen when
guests are ready for seconds. Rather than
serving a green salad, offer breaded fingers,
but be sure to remove any jewelry before
cooking. This cheap and chic dinner won’t
cost you an arm and a leg—though
we can’t say the same for your guests.
Guilty Party—You
must impress with this last meal. When
the guests arrive, graciously take their
coats, belts and shoelaces but tell them
they should feel comfortable leaving on
their foot shackles. Offer them simple
hors d’oeuvres, such as bread and
water, one phone call and their Miranda
rights. Then bring them into the living
room, where they are sure to leave fingerprints.
Ask them where they were that
night and why they did it. Make
sure to offer them virgin cocktails and
15 minutes of exercise in the yard while
maintaining a suicide watch. Take your
guests’ cocktail glasses and swab
them for DNA. Then gather everyone in
the dining room for the main course. Remember,
manners are our best friend, so be polite.
Ask if your guests want to call any witnesses
to the table. Whenever the phone rings,
yell, "It’s the Governor!"
The guests are sure to perk up every time.
Communist Party—Dim
the lights, draw the curtains, lock the
doors and board the windows. Guests are
responsible for providing one entrée
and one dessert. Should they neglect to
bring either, simply order them to the
kitchen, where they will be worked like
dogs. Remember that there is no host at
the Communist Party and no one sits at
the head of the table. If someone leaves
the table during the meal, inconspicuously
have the guest’s place setting removed
and destroyed. When others ask about the
missing guest, deny she was ever there
and point out that there’s no place
setting for her. Should anyone suggest
the salmon and dill béarnaise is
too sour, crush the opposition with a
sharp, "You’re mistaken, the
béarnaise is delectable."
If a guest puts a hand on her stomach
and says, "I’m so full I couldn’t
eat another bite," make her. If she
refuses, politely ask her to join you
on the porch. Then place her in a taxi
and exile her to Alaska. |
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